Gosh, where do I start? This was a long journey. After having an affair for close to 3 months, I wanted to come clean. As a birthday gift for my husband, I bought tickets to go see Madonna, since my husband is a huge fan. It was a super exciting night for us both as we had lots of fun, and were chosen to come up to the first row! My husband didn’t stop saying how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me. These words hurt more than anything, since I alone knew what I’ve been doing the past few months. I couldn’t sleep or eat for a few days, didn’t go see my Affair Partner outside work, and was having severe disgust, regret and shame over what I’ve done.
So after 5 days of going absolutely insane, I took the courage to tell my husband everything. I waited until after the kids were in bed and just started crying, telling my husband that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’ve done an awful thing. I knew he would want a divorce, since we had some discussions in the past, and he was clear, that cheating would result in a divorce, period. I told him what I did these past few months and the look on his face still haunts me to this day. It was the look of shock, disbelief, and despair.
My husband needed space so he went for a walk. He later told me that he almost jumped off a bridge near our house, but the thought of our kids held him back. He asked for my Affair Partner’s address, which I gave him reluctantly. He went over and sat outside his house for a few hours. I think he was hoping my Affair Partner would come out. He wanted to confront, as my husband is a tall and strong man, but he changed his mind after a few hours. I’m glad he did, as jail time would’ve crushed him.
The next few days were unimaginable. My husband reached out to my family for support, as he’s an only child, and the only family he has is his mom who lives in another continent. He didn’t receive the support he was hoping for. My mom blamed him, that it was his fault I cheated. My sister was just happy for our misery, since growing up I was the golden child; the smart, pretty one, and she was the one who always needed to catch up to my achievements in order to be validated by our parents. This was her moment to shine. My other siblings were a bit younger and weren’t able to be of help.
Word spread out to our community, and people started looking at me with disgust and at my husband with pity. Aside for a handful of friends, no one wanted to have anything to do with us.
That’s the moment we both realized we are alone in this. I was let go from my job, since as per my husband’s request, I told my employer everything. Thankfully I had employment insurance income, so at least we were able to manage financially during those months.
We went into therapy, couples as well as individual. We thought of filing for separation, since here in Canada, separation must proceed divorce. However, my mother in law advocated on my behalf and asked my husband to give me a chance to see if I’m sincere with my regret. Ironically, she’s the only family member who supported both of us, even me individually.
The next few months were nothing short of hell. There were ups and downs, we would take long walks and talk about everything. He would ask me questions, and I would answer, but wasn’t honest to begin with. I hid details and sugar-coated things. My husband tells me, that even worse than the affair, were the lies and trickle truth I performed. He couldn’t know if and when to trust me; he started not trusting, and doubting himself, his manhood, his choices, etc.
Slowly, as the weeks went by, the truth came out, through me, or via external sources.
We started over from scratch. I told my husband to ask me anything, and I promised I’ll be completely honest, and that’s when reconciliation has finally begun; not a minute before that. I kept my word. Every question he asked, I answered truthfully. He would sometimes ask me the same questions in different times, to test if my answers remain the same.
I knew I was wrong for having an affair, but I still didn’t grasp what has to change in me, I still wasn’t aware of what and why I’m feeling, what are my triggers, what to do with the overwhelming feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and despair. I was fighting myself every step of the way. I hated myself so deeply, I felt I rather die than live with these feelings, and I still didn’t realize the harm I was causing my family.
One day, a friend reached out to me saying they are opening an emotions anonymous (EA) group in my city. I attended the group as soon as they opened, and stayed there for 3 years. I worked the steps, learned how damaging my negative emotions are, to myself and those around me. I learned that when I’m hurting, I hurt others in return, and how for years, I’d use my husband as a scapegoat for my failures and downfalls.
I used to come home, and share what I learned with my husband, we would talk about my new discoveries, and very slowly, I started feeling the change. Suddenly, I felt calmer, practiced gratitudes, became more patient, learned how to recognize my feelings for what they are.
I learned to accept myself, and my past errors, as a painful reminder of what I’m capable of, yet not of who I am, or who I want to be. I made peace with what I did, and a promise, to never ever do it again. I understood how unmanageable my life has been, and how the feeling of control I thought I had was just a mirage.
I learned to be tolerant towards my husband, my kids. I understood, that I have a chance of redemption, if only I let go of my negative behavior. I learned to identify resentment, self pity, gaslighting, and know how to be honest with myself and others. Suddenly, I became less judgementa of others, more accepting.
My emotional health has drastically improved, and as a result, my husband’s as also. He is not, and never was, a fan of therapy, but indirectly, through me sharing the things I learned, was participating in recovery.
I am not recovered, and will never call myself as such, but I am in recovery, and will be in recovery for the rest of my life.
I know that writing this, I’m focusing a lot on me. The reason is, I am a complex and dark person by nature, my husband is much simpler, and is mainly influenced by my behavior. He’s a really good person, has a big heart, with a very positive personality. I noticed that changes in me, automatically transform into changes in him – for better or worse.
I’m really hoping my journey can help others, and am learning as well, by putting thoughts on ‘paper’, and sharing here and with my husband.