The betrayed spouse has the game rigged against them; a game they aren’t even aware is occurring.
It is called the 90/10. You give up 90 to get the 10 and without a doubt, the Affair Partner can’t do what a spouse can do and has done. It’s basically the Backup QB trashing the Starting QB who has had to carry the franchise on his back. The Backup QB talks a good game about “what he can do” and criticizes the Starter, but the Backup has never had to actually the game. That’s how to see the Affair Partner.
This is how the cheater’s mind works. When my ex-wife started to cite grievances from ten years before, it raised a red flag in my brain that there was someone else. It was the type of thing someone would say to justify cheating in their heads, and my wife held this resentment against me to justify her emotional affair , her physical affair, her “fling,” etc.
Here’s another way of looking at the same thing:
Psychologists use a term, “The Problem Lens” to explain how the focus works. Basically, when we have a major problem our attention is focused on solving that problem and other minor problems are put to the side. Once we have dealt with the major problem we find the next one, then continue to work down the list until there are no more problems. At this point we start looking for improvements/problems we had not previously considered. Someone (Future Affair Partner, Friends, Family) may even “help” the Wayward Spouse to “find” them.
Human nature is to look for ways to make our life better.
The Betrayed Spouse has done the heavy lifting, the 90/10. The Affair Partner uses manipulation to ensure that the Wayward Spouse has their lens firmly locked into the 10% so that the 10% is the smaller portion in reality, it occupies 90% of the Wayward Spouse’s thinking and never moves. These are the “bricks” which my ex-wife would refer to.
In effect, my wife’s Affair Partner has manipulated and used this natural human response for his own needs. He manipulated my wife, but this doesn’t absolve the wife of all responsibility.
A healthy human should be able to spot that they are making a mountain out of a molehill but a Wayward Spouse (and my Ex Wife) has already has the fantasy of an affair as the possible solution to any problem presented.