Cheaters are idiots. There is something not right in their brains. What’s hurts the betrayed spouse the most is the lying and gaslighting. If a cheater would just say, “Yes I’m sorry I cheated on you. You were a great person, but I messed up,” the betrayed spouse can at least have some closure.
But with cheaters it’s, “I haven’t loved you for 20 years.” (When in reality you have 100 kids together which they wanted, lots of vacation pictures, with them smiling in every picture. People comment on how much they love you, etc.) I was never happy, I never knew what love was until I met the affair partner. He / She is my soul mate, I met my affair partner 2 hours ago and feel a stronger connection with them than what I felt with you for the last 100 years of our marriage. You didn’t do xyz for me, etc, etc, etc.
This is what really messes with the betrayed spouse because they start believing the lies and try to make sense of it for years to come. Here is the joke, – there are no logic. Making sense of a cheaters decision is a waste of time. They will lie through their teeth to avoid taking blame. Suddenly, even the was you made their coffee was horrible and they had to suffer for years drinking your sh*t coffee. In comparison, the affair partner is so broke that, instead of coffee, they piss in a cup and give it to your partner every morning… but you know what, that piss in a cup is still better than your sh*t coffee.
Once the cheaters starts to live a real life with the affair partner, they begin to realize that, yes the Affair Partner is human, and they have flaws too etc. You see, during the affair, they are not having a real relationship. It’s a fantasy. There is not any real fighting or anything because, the limited time they have in secret together, they don’t have time to waste. Ssoon, the piss in the cup isn’t so amazing, that’s when the affair fog begins to lift.
Note, this is very important to understand. A cheater and their Affair Partner were not having a real relationship during the affair. For example, the Cheater and their dumb Affair Partner decided to randomly dance in the rain because it sooooooo romantic. Two weeks later it’s raining, they ask you to come dance in the rain but you are like “no” because (you just had Corona virus, pneumonia, a cold for the last 100 years, cannot get sick because you need to work to pay all the bills, etc.) Because you said no the Cheater claims that you are not romantic like their Affair Partner. You see, the Cheater is testing you during the affair. If the Affair Partner opens the car door for them, they put you in a situation to see if you will open the car door. This is how they rationalize that the Affair Partner has more in common WITH THEM. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO REALIZE, THAT YOU CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
What is happening is, the Cheaters are comparing courting of a 2 week relationship (of some guy who just wants to get in their pants so they are turning on the love bomb) to a 20 year marriage with real responsibilities. Also note that during the affair, the Cheater is telling telling their Affair Partner exactly what they need and what you are doing wrong. It’s like giving some one the answers to the test. For example, he never texted me good morning. Now the Affair Partner will text the Cheater “Good morning” and they Cheater will think, “OMG you understand me. I told you that and you immediately do it. I couldn’t get my spouse for the last 20 years to text me good morning.” The Affair Partner have such an easy time, they need to just do exactly what the Cheater is telling they you are not doing. This is why Cheaters get deep into affair fog so quickly. That’s why they use words like “Affair Partner is my soul mate, my true love. I cannot live another day without them.”
The Affair Partner is proving a very small subset of things the Cheater feels they are missing in the relationship – like 2 % (compliments, dumb stuff, etc), while you are providing the other 98% (paying bills, taking care of kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning, supporting the entire family, power washing the drive way, changing the water pump in the car, reroofing the entire house. I am driving the point home that you have a real relationship with responsibility with your spouse, while they have a fantasy relationship with the Affair Partner that has no responsibilities and as such seem boring compared to your relationship).
The cheater doesn’t realize they are only getting 2% of their needs met by the Affair Partner, they think they are getting a 1000% of their needs met. This is why a stay at home mom would leave a millionaire to be with a convicted felon with 8 kids and an infinite more amount of kids he doesn’t know about. Now, when they start a real relationship and bills cannot be paid, he is not taking care of her kids, it’s absolute zero degrees in the house during winter, that’s when the cheater now realize what they had. Suddenly they realize they cannot live on compliments, sex, etc.
Advice to everyone who has been cheated on, please move on. It sucks, take it as a learning experience and live your best life.