It really goes to show there is a playbook most cheaters use and it is pretty typical. Thinking I was unique and our story was special and we could get over anything was just not the truth
My Ex Wife cheated on me and gaslighted me for months. While I originally did the pick me dance, it eventually leading to her moving out to “spend time with her Affair Partner” to see what best worked for her. Over time I started to wake up and heal, and actually had to be the one who ended things. I am on the bumpy road to recovery. This forum has been extremely helpful for me, and I have learned a lot here, and wanted to share what really helped me in my healing path.
External Support: I know we are all meant to be strong and self-sufficient, but in a life altering crisis we all need some support. For me I was very lucky to have many people in my life who were able to give me some sage advice. When going through emotional turmoil, logic and reasoning are often not used to make major life decisions. In those times the perspective of a trusted outsider is crucial. I spoke with my parents, my sister, and many of my closest friends. When I was in reconciliation fog early on after D day, all I wanted more than anything in the world was to win back my wife. I tried so hard, and would have kept on going if it weren’t for my support system. Because they could see the whole picture and use logic and reasoning, they helped me clear up this fog and see the true reality that my ex was an emotionally abusive person, who was using gas lighting and other manipulative tactics to keep the Affair Partner and me in her life as long as possible. My support system was so easily able to see through all the bullshit that I never could.
Books: I began reading a lot infidelity specific and nonspecific books. I have listed the books that helped me the most.
Lose a Cheater Gain A Life – So much has already been said about this book, but I would like to add, how surprised I was when the author basically was able to recite the exact experience I witnessed. It really goes to show there is a playbook most cheaters use and it is pretty typical. Thinking I was unique and our story was special and we could get over anything was just not the truth.
Cheating in a Nutshell – This book validated all of my feels in a way many other books failed. It illustrated well the harms of being cheated on, even without discovery. One of the best analogies used by this book was comparing cheaters to traitors of a country or employees who embezzle from you. Yes you can forgive them and they will give you thousands of reasons why but it doesn’t change the fact they betrayed you.
This book has so many great insights.
The Obstacle is the Way – A non infidelity specific book but really helped me. Based on stoic teachings this book basically states there are obstacles in everyone’s life, and instead of trying to avoid them to continue our life journey, the obstacle is the journey. When we embrace the obstacles in life and realize the only way to the other side is through, something beautiful happens, we grow beyond our wildest imaginations.
Now what by DSO – specific to males experiencing infidelity and divorce, had a lot of practical tips on how to deal with the fall out of it all, and how to go about rebuilding your life.
No More Mr.Nice Guy – Another amazing book, which helped me realize my people pleasing behaviors difficulty putting up strong boundaries, which helped my ex take advantage of me.
No Contact: There was definitely a correlation with me not talking to my ex and healing. It was extensively noticeable to the point my family and friends even pointed out. I used to think No Contact was not a real thing, and that No Contact would lead me to be more miserable because I would miss her.
This was not the case as the daily gaslighting and her telling me what I did wrong 5 years or 7 years ago, and that’s why she cheated conservations were draining me immensely. I was only able to figure that out once I stopped talking to that monster. Initially it was very hard, as I wanted to know what she was doing and who she was seeing, but as time went on, I began investing in myself ,my hobbies, and my friends. I started caring about people who actually cared for me, and stopped wasting time on that energy vampire. Honestly it was amazing. And when she did try to contact me, I could feel the weight of that negativity.
Individual Therapy: This was also very important for me. My therapist also helped slow down my thoughts, and break down my beliefs. A lot of them were initially that I was not a good enough partner or husband and that is why my ex did what she did. These deep seeded negative thoughts were embedded within me for quite a long time. Realizing that yes I have flaws, all humans do, and yes our marriage had some problems does not give anyone the right to cheat, have an affair, and blame someone else for their actions. My therapist taught me that yes issues in our marriage were 50% due to me and 50% due to my ex, but the affair was 100% due to her. The only thing I have control over is my 50% and nothing else. Also hindsight is 2020, and it is easy to point out my flaws after everything went wrong, but when people are going through life and things are going well it’s much more difficult.