My oldest is struggling in school and has been behind since my ex-wife started her affair. I was talking with my therapist about it and the time I first noticed. I was volunteering at their school and noticed all of her classmates making advanced science projects, while my child’s was a simple project of three pieces. I explained it to my ex that night who dismissed it.
For reference, at this point my wife’s affair was over a year. From my therapist
Unfortunately you have been placed in the perpetrator role in the Karpman Drama Triangle. Look it up. She has placed herself in the victim role and Affair Partner in rescuer role. Any words out of your mouth will be invalidated simply because it’s you saying them. You can’t ‘nice’ her out of the fog. She’ll lose respect for you, since she’ll think you won’t leave her even if she cheats or keeps cheating. You have to show her you’re willing to live life without her. If this is to be a reconciliation, you need her to chase you. Chasing her will get you nothing.
Tell her to get Individual Counseling for her issues. Maybe she’ll listen, maybe not. She’ll definitely listen the day she gets served with Divorce papers. That’s your time period for testing her reconciliation-worthiness. If she’s willing to come completely clean, work on herself and you on yourself, you could theoretically reconcile. I wouldn’t suggest it though. It’s an exercise in futility. I’ve heard of stats like 15% making it in the past 5 years.