I cheated on my husband. We are in our 30s with 2 kids. I lost my job during the pandemic and my husband became our sole breadwinner. Our sex life dwindled due to stress. I started chatting with my long lost friends on social media. My ex, 4 years younger than me, hits me up. We chat. He’s changed. We were together for 5 years. He cheated on me twice, we worked through it, I got pregnant, we were happy and I had a miscarriage. It was what drifted us apart. We never really got closure. There were already issues in our marriage. My husband was suffering from depression as his mom passed away in 2019, the same year, his sister was raped. It was a tough time. I was there to support him, but it isn’t something you work on in a day. He was healing but slow. Whatever progress he had diminished thanks to covid. I don’t know why I kept the conversation with my ex open. We chatted, exchanged nudes, had late night conversations, I was actively having a deep emotional affair and I wasn’t realizing it. I loved my husband, I loved my family but something about this guy was attractive. It turned physical for the first time after 6 months we started reconnecting again. Since then it happened on regular basis. I spent nights out with friends, dated my ex and slept all the while my husband was taking care of kids while depressed. That time, it felt right. I was justifying my actions with illogical stuffs that doesn’t even makes sense right now.
I wish I could kill myself now. I wasn’t a good wife, a good parent. I neglected my kids, neglected my husband, actively denied him any support or intimacy, didn’t do household, didn’t work. I was a freeloader who continued to demean my husband because I thought what I was doing was right. I wrongly thought to myself that I deserved better. My husband and I were frequently getting in arguments and I used to last it out at my Ex. He would take advantage of me. Looking back, it wasn’t my ex, it was me. It was me who allowed him the opportunity to do so. Things got worse last year, my Ex proposed me. He did the most despicable thing and I allowed him to do so. He removed my wedding ring and placed his ring, I couldn’t resist. I was this much in the fog. Looking back, if my husband did all these, I would’ve walked out the gate as soon as I knew. I’m a hypocrite. I know I lost my right as a wife after I defiled boundaries. I love my husband. I broke it off with my Ex soon after, a primary reason for that was I was showing him pictures of my wedding. He saw my husband’s sister(the same girl who got raped) and told me she’s hot and if I can bring her around. I slapped him and ended things. Blocked him afterwards and he’s been blackmailing me ever since. He hadn’t changed. My ex remained the same A-hole, cheating and narcissist jerk he was when I dated him the first time. He destroyed everything, but can I even blame him? He isn’t a part of my marriage, my husband is, my kids are and I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined it forever. I haven’t told my husband yet. He doesn’t know that I strayed the path. Our relationship has strained. I still haven’t managed a job, but I take care of our kids, I’ve became more attentive to him, have been affectionate and doing everything he loves. I’ve began to appreciate him more but the pain, the pain I feel everyday is ripping my heart out. Every time I look at him, I wonder how would he react if he finds out. I don’t want to lose him. I’ve been attending therapy and known a lot more about myself. Read books that made me realize that despite my marriage having minor flaws that were for legit reasons(his depression, our finances, me being distant at the time) I chose to ignore them and the good that lied within our marriage to justify my affair.
Each day, me and my husband drift apart. I feel it. There’s this invisible distant between us. We don’t talk as much (thanks to my behavior and rudeness before, he isn’t as affectionate as he was before), he doesn’t initiate sex (because I turned him down during the time I had my affairs, and made fun of him) now he turns me down every time, he says he doesn’t wants me, I’ve put on weight and he doesn’t finds me attractive anymore. Even if I dress the way he likes, he doesn’t compliments me. This year was the first time he didn’t planned anything on Valentine’s day. When I cooked dinner(his favorites) he told me he doesn’t want it and slept because he was tired from work (I put on his favorite dress, did my hair the way he liked but no)
It hurt. I’m the one to rightfully blame but I want to work. I want to fight. I want to fight for my home, for my family, for my love, for my husband and I will do anything to make it work! I promise. Yet, there’s a chill in my heart. I weep everyday. I want to talk to him. I want to hold him and cry. I know things has gotten in a point that seems like the end, but it isn’t. I want to repair my marriage. But everyday is a constant reminder of what I did. His cold and distant demeanor shatters me. I love him. I made a choice, a bad choice that is destroying me from inside. I want to tell him what I did. I will be absolute honest but I don’t know how. My husband doesn’t knows and I don’t have the courage to tell him what I did. Help me out.