From a contact I have who’s a little further along in the process.
4 years ago, almost to the day. The woman I had pledged my life to, forsaking all others, cheated on me. it took six brutal months to divorce and get no contact to stick (mostly for me). I am posting this for those who are currently going through the gauntlet and maybe answer some questions.
– It still hurts, though not as much as it did all those years ago. Like a physical open wound, it eventually heals, but the scar will remain. Sometimes scar tissue will hurt.
– In those first few months, you cannot trust yourself, at all. I was manipulated several times into being her emotional cry pillow for something she did to us. Why was I consoling her when she was the one who wrecked everything? Because I still cared about her. Unlike her, that love I had for her wasn’t fickle. It takes a long time to learn how to not love someone anymore.
– Any friends who say “I’m not choosing sides” is someone you need to distance from. They chose a side, and it wasn’t yours. I had a friend of 20 years (in retrospect they were toxic AF) claim they were not taking sides and wound up becoming friends with the Affair Partner.
– Tell your story, be unapologetically honest. Cheaters are famous for painting a narrative to everyone that the betrayed spouse is an awful person in a feeble attempt to justify their cheating. The best way to combat this is to be honest. It is no longer your responsibility to keep their secrets.
– Do your absolute best to maintain no contact. it is very hard to do sometimes, I failed at it a lot. Block them everywhere, best option if you can afford it is to have communication done through a 3rd party.
– You do not have to forgive them. use that energy forgiving yourself.
– You do not have to “get back out there and meet someone new”. do it when YOU feel ready. not when others say.
– You are going to hear invaliding comments from ignorant people. “Get over it” “it takes two to tango” “there are two sides to every story” etc etc. Comments like these come from a place of ignorance. They haven’t gone through what you have. They do not understand.