This really hit home for me and happens more often then it should. Don’t give up on yourself, even if your partner did…
So, I’m a horrible human being. You don’t need to remind me. I’m looking for help, ways to stop my guilt, my shame., my grief I really am responsible for a great person taking their own life. Now I don’t want to live anymore either.
My story. My ex and I were together for 17 years. We had a good relationship. Tons of love. Tons of affection. He was a great father to my then three-year-old son. He raised and loved him like he was his own child. My ex really was the perfect spouse around the home, but he did suffer from a sort of social anxiety that always left me wanting more. I have been taking anti-depressants since I was 18. I’m 46 now. A year ago, I stopped taking them for reasons I really can’t explain. I became severely depressed and started to resent my partner. At the same time, I met a coworker who I connected with immediately. We began a physical affair and we ended up falling in love. He was married and left his wife and three young children to be with me. I told my ex about the affair and ended our relationship. We had just bought a beautiful house and the loss of his family, stepson, dream home and the way I betrayed him just devastated him.
He took it really hard. A beautiful confident man was reduced to a broken child overnight. He cried. He begged. He tried everything to get me to remember how much we were in love before my depression, but I couldn’t turn my back on the love I felt for my new partner. I just didn’t love my ex the way I loved my new partner. 6 months later, my ex took his life. The shock. The sorrow the guilt I feel is overwhelming. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I have destroyed two families and caused someone I care deeply about to end their life. I know I didn’t pull the trigger, but I pushed him to do it. I took everything from him and threw him away to be with someone else. I don’t know what else to say. I am a horrible human being, and I don’t know how I can move on or live anymore. Has anyone felt they actually caused someone to kill themselves? I am I therapy twice a week, but I don’t think it’s helping. His last words to me were ” I gave my life to you and you gave it away. I will never ever forgive you” Now he’s gone. And I am crying so hard as I write this. How can I go on? I never thought he would kill himself. He was a beautiful 49-year-old man who I expected to just move on with his life. I didn’t feel like I loved him anymore or definitely not in the same way I love my new partner. My ex’s family hates me. My new partner’s family hates me. I think my son hates me. I don’t think I can go on. I really don’t.
How can I get through this?