Many betrayed spend an excessive and unhealthy amount of time trying to figure out why cheaters do what they do. How could they cheat on you? Why didn’t they choose you? Do they regret it? The truth is, we can’t ever understand because we aren’t cheaters.
But in my discovery process I gained access to my cheating ex husband’s private journal and emails. So i had an unfiltered look at how cheater’s think. While it doesn’t necessarily apply to all, i hope you’ll find some closure from this.
THE REASONS ARE ILLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL:
The cheater made a comparison list between me and the AP. In short, he loves me for all the things i do for him and he loves her for all the same things he saw in me when i was still shiny and new. So cheaters choose an imaginary ideal over proven experience. New car vs old car.
THEY DON’T KNOW THEY’RE THE PROBLEM:
The cheater made a list of things he’ll do differently with the AP, all superficial relationship improvements like spending more time together etc. It never crossed their mind the fact that they’re proven cheaters is a huge red flag, instead they’re deluded into thinking the solution is “more effort with different person”. And no, it also never occurred to them the same solutions could’ve mended their existing marriage because only the new car deserves the fancy sports rims!
THE AFFAIR FOG IS REAL:
It’s pointless reminding them of what they said, their promises and vows, your plans together etc. Cheaters have already replaced you in their mind, conveniently rewriting the history and the future they shared with you. They’ve also convinced themselves the AP is The One, their soulmate, true love, destiny, etc basically bullcrap to convince themselves they didn’t make thousands of deliberate decisions to get into an affair. They don’t know how this new car just appeared in the garage suddenly! Must be fate!
YOUR HAPPINESS NEVER MATTERED:
They only care about getting what they want. Sure they may feel bad for hurting you but they feel zero guilt or remorse about cheating on you. After all, how can it be wrong when it feels so right?? The fact is, they didn’t choose the AP, they chose their own happiness and selfish desires. They do know how you feel, they just don’t care.
CHEATERS ARE COWARDS:
Not only do they think they have no control in the affair happening, they wish their spouse conveniently dies or disappears so they can be with the AP guilt-free. They’re quite happy to just keep eating cake rather than make any attempt to fix something they themselves broke. And no, they don’t feel one shred of guilt lying to you and manipulating you.
IT’S WORSE THAN YOU THINK:
Cheater said they only kissed AP once? It’s just a one night stand? Only an emotional affair? Only started a few months ago? I’m sorry, whatever they told you the reality is much worse. They will trickle truth you all the way. Never believe anything a cheater says, only what they give you in the divorce settlement.
All the above are why I’m convinced there’s truth to “once a cheater, always a cheater”. If they never thought cheating is a mistake or that they were ever in the wrong (end justifies the means), what’s stopping them from “upgrading” to the next new car?