This was advice that I received in dealing with my emotions with my ex-wife, but being aware of how it will impact my children. Over the weekend my Daughter told my son, “Don’t say bad words,” to which my Son responded, “sh*t, fu*k, etc.” I couldn’t believe it, and when I asked him where he learned those words from him said Mom. My Daughter then spoke up and said, “We always learn bad words from Mom…”
I was disappointed, but I do my best to remain calm and not talk negative manner about their Mom. It’s difficult, and I know they’ve seen me cry on a couple of occasions over the last couple of weeks because I can see where the Divorce has impacted them. Both are too young to understand, but it breaks my heart knowing that this isn’t the life they should be living. I do my best, and I’ve spent hours talking with my therapist about what I am seeing in my children. What I predicted would happen, and what I didn’t anticipate.
At the end of the day my therapist will always tell me that I shouldn’t feel guilt. I didn’t step outside of the marriage. I didn’t cheat on my spouse of the children. For parents who have affairs, not only are they lying to their partners, they are often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their kids. With that, you need to be strong, and keep doing the things you are doing because one day your kids will know who was there for them.
Some other advice I have received when I talked with another therapist.
Divorce does impact children, but the biggest impact is if there is animosity, hostility and tug of love. I am speaking from personal experience as a child of divorce but also as a child social care professional who has researched this a lot and taught the subject of child development, trauma and brain development (the ACEs study for example as reference) It’s hard not to be angry, I completely understand your desire to lash out, but the children will not benefit from your anger. Children need a secure base and reassurance of the love of those around them. ‘Playing nice’ is a really strong and brave thing to do. And believing in karma helps 🙂