One of the things I’ve discussed with each of my therapists during the first session of “How did I get here,” is the fact that my wife had three affairs that I know of, and that it could be more. I’ll always remember that, before our wedding and at our wedding my wife told me, “If things aren’t working out, tell me and we’ll work on things because I don’t believe in divorce…”
In our sessions, I beat myself up over this for a long time and blamed myself for my wife’s multiple affairs, but have learned that this was abuse. My wife gaslight and lied to me so much, that I started to believe that she cheated because of something that I did (or didn’t do). This wasn’t the case, and cheating was something that my wife brought to the table. It was her “baggage,” and instead of communicating her needs, her solution was to cheat instead of communicating her needs. Statistics show that if a cheater has cheated before, there is a 350% greater chance they will cheat again compared to a non cheater.
In the video at the bottom, you’ll see the Cheating Mindset in action. Here is a man, who cheated on his wife, and when she moved on and has remarried and has a child, he still asks her to cheat.
Cheating is an abusive mindset.
That mindset is what the cheater brought to the table in the relationship from the very beginning. A mindset full of primitive, immature coping mechanisms that resemble what you see in toddlers and teenagers. Tantrums, acting out, deceit, no self control, complete self indulgence, self absorption, blame-shifting. True love and it’s all your fault!
There’s no way to make a relationship work with someone like this. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. Eventually, you will never be “new” enough to distract from their void within. Cheaters run from the emptiness within themselves and the consequences of their actions by running to something new. Cheaters don’t care about you. Any “guilt” you think you see is just their discomfort at your pain making them uncomfortable. Their self indulgence is all that matters. The betrayed spouse is an inconvenience to them and yes, they would prefer that you just dropped dead so they didn’t have to deal with any of the icky fallout from what they’ve done.
We had one ex who said, “It would be better for you if I were dead.” It chills me to know that was projection on his part. In his primitive mind, he wanted her dead. They resent you for being in the way of their true love. You represent consequences and serve as a reminder of what they did. It causes them discomfort so they make you the villain in their disordered narrative. Once a cheater, always a cheater is true. Because cheating is a disordered mindset that cheaters bring with them wherever they go.
It’s not that you weren’t enough. It’s that nothing is ever enough for these people. Cheaters and narcissists have an empty black hole within themselves that they try to fill. They could have the best and they’d still chase “better” when they felt bored. They always feel bored because nothing can fill the relentless void within themselves. Then they blame you for not doing that. An intentional trauma such as infidelity is one of the worst traumas to heal from. It’s brutal and it takes time. You’re experiencing real PTSD symptoms. If you have the ability, a therapist who is experienced in abuse (trauma) recovery can help you. Short term antidepressants might also help you calm these symptoms so you can feel steadier on your feet as you heal. But really it just takes time. No one deserves to be cheated on, except perhaps cheaters.
A good partner would’ve been caring and concerned about your well-being and mental health. A good partner doesn’t blame his partner for their behavior. A good partner gives more than she gets and doesn’t place his destructive self indulgence above her partner’s well-being. A good partner understands and respects boundaries and doesn’t hurt her partner because he’s unable to control his impulses. I hope you’re getting a sense that she was not a good partner to you. You are more than enough. It’s her who is not good enough for you.
Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re grieving and you need time to heal.