A helpful article from Medium I received from this week’s support session.
When it comes to making mistakes when dealing with a narcissistic ex, I’m your poster girl for managing to make every single one. And then some.
The reason why is simple: All those years ago when I was drowning in an abusive marriage that grew worse by the year, oblivious to the fact that the man I loved was a full-blown narcissist who would only be clinically diagnosed toward the end of our relationship, I still held tight to the belief everyone was inherently good. So I expected and anticipated his goodness to eventually pop up and right the wrongs he had made.
Thus, my first mistake was believing there was goodness to be had.
It also didn’t help that my definition of abuse included only that which was physical in nature. No matter the pain he inflicted and the words he used to bring me to my knees, no matter the promises he continued to break and the empty apologies he continued to offer, I defaulted to the belief that since he never hit me, he must still love me.
This belief became the cord that bound me to him even after escaping the marriage and we entered the divorce process. I couldn’t let go of my naïve expectations that this man I loved, had children with, built a life and what I thought would be a future with, would be different. I projected my own goodness onto him and then waited for his compassion to appear, for any remorse to surface, or a bit of validation to arrive.
I waited and waited.
Because of this, my attempt to move forward and heal was stunted. As if I sat in the passenger seat of a car that I still expected him to drive when in reality I held the keys and the road ahead waited for me to put them in the ignition since that car wasn’t going to drive itself.
It wasn’t until I rid myself of any and all illusions about the man I loved and had spent over sixteen years with, and not only heard but believed the psychologist when he told me my husband was a narcissist, that I was able to sever the connection of my futile hope at ever receiving any type of acknowledgment for what had happened.
Essentially, I stopped waiting. And this made all the difference.
If you are on a healing journey after a narcissist shattered your world (is there such a thing as a category six hurricane?) it is my hope you’ll avoid making the mistakes I did so you can get straight to the business of moving forward, with each step made in the direction of away from your pain.
To cut the tie that binds you to a narcissist, however, there are certain expectations you must give up in order to be successful on your journey forward. Because if you hang on to the false belief that a narcissist will change or treat you the way you treat them, you’re in for a whole lot of heartbreak and surprise each time they disappoint you by showing you who they really are.
And a narcissist will always show you who they really are. The problem comes when we don’t believe them.
Here are the top five mistakes made when dealing with a narcissist:
1. Seeking validation
You’ve been hurt. You’ve been treated unfairly. And you want the one who hurt you and treated you unfairly to see what they’ve done. You want them to validate how you feel so you’ll know they understand how their behavior affected you.
Seeking validation from a narcissist is a mistake because you’re operating on the assumption that they care about you, which they don’t or they wouldn’t have hurt you in such a way in the first place.
2. Expecting remorse
When you’ve hurt someone unintentionally, you feel bad about it. You feel remorseful and regret over causing someone else pain. This isn’t who you are. You wouldn’t hurt someone on purpose, especially over and over again.
Expecting remorse from a narcissist is a mistake because remorse requires compassion and empathy, two qualities they lack. A narcissist doesn’t feel any pangs of attrition or ruefulness. After all, they can’t feel what they don’t have.
3. Waiting for an apology
You’ve said something you don’t mean. You had a slip of the tongue or a lapse in judgment. You spoke without thinking or stepped without looking. Hence, you apologize. And your apology is followed by action and change, which makes it a real apology, one not in words only.
Waiting for an apology from a narcissist is a mistake because even if you get one it’s not authentic in that whatever they’re apologizing for is behavior they will continue to do. Narcissists generally go one of several ways: they refuse to apologize for anything and everything since they believe they’ve done nothing wrong and nothing is ever their fault, or they will apologize with a purpose — to shut you up, to placate you, to get you off their back so they can go back to what they were doing. Or you’ll get an apology without a period at the end of it: I’m sorry, but . . .
4. Believing they’ll change
You believe everyone is inherently good. You project your goodness onto others and expect them to behave in a similar way. You’ve made certain changes in your life after lessons were learned and you decided to be different because of those lessons, so you know change is possible. Maybe not easy, maybe it takes time, but the possibility exists nonetheless.
Believing a narcissist will change is a mistake because of your assumption that someone you love (and who supposedly loves you) would make changes that would benefit everyone involved. However, narcissists don’t have a reason to change since they not only think nothing is wrong with them but there is also no incentive. Narcissists know full well what they’re doing and they inflict pain on purpose. They are abusers who know they abuse and see no reason to stop what they’re doing because they’re getting something out of it (control, power, supply). It’s not that a narcissist does not change at all, it’s just the only change you can expect is that they’ll get worse.
5. Needing closure
You have open doors. Even though you’re no longer in the relationship, there are still so many things unsaid, so many issues not addressed, so many feelings not expressed. You need answers to your questions. You’ve done things so long as a “we” that you believe even a breakup can be done as one. You’re willing to get to the bottom of the reasons you’re no longer together, so you expect your ex to do the same.
Needing closure from a narcissist is a mistake because you’re depending on someone who has no empathy or compassion to suddenly care about your well-being and future. You will never get closure from a narcissist for several reasons: They will never admit fault or take responsibility, they don’t want you to move on and be okay without them, and they believe themselves to be the victim, which means they will never be accountable to you for what they’ve done.
From someone who spent more than enough time in the “waiting” period with a narcissist, trust me when I say that hanging around and keeping any ties with a narcissistic ex is heartbreak waiting to happen. You can’t get water from a stone, and you can’t get validation, remorse, meaningful change, a real apology, or closure from a narcissist because these are not available for them to give.
Waiting for a narcissist to offer you closure after what you’ve been through, for example, will stop your healing journey in its tracks because you’re sitting in the passenger seat of a car and expecting it to drive itself, just as I did all those years ago.
But only you can give yourself what you need to finally take those steps forward and move away from a narcissistic ex who has caused you pain. This is part of the process and how to take your power back from someone who tricked you into giving it to them.
So slide on over into that driver’s seat, put your hands on the wheel and the key in the ignition, rev up that engine, and look at the road ahead that is going to lead you to emotional freedom from your past.
And leave the narcissist in the rearview mirror getting smaller and smaller the further you go.