I had an affair during my first marriage. It ended up being terrible. I resolved never again to cheat, and never did. I discussed the whole concept of cheating with second spouse before we married and we both agreed never to lie or cheat. I then discovered my second husband’s affairs. This is my long sad story.
In my first marriage I became dissatisfied. The more dissatisfied I became, the more I pulled away. In hindsight I recognize that what I could and should have done was to either work on my marriage and work on communication with my spouse, or leave the marriage. At the time I didn’t see that as possible. My first husband was a really nice guy, but a somewhat quiet, taciturn person who nevertheless had a temper. I felt that trying to communicate just wouldn’t work. But then, I didn’t try, and didn’t seek help with it.
One of the ways I pulled away was by getting involved in various activities, such as volunteer work, but also acting in community theater. I was cast as a romantic lead opposite a man who was tall, dark, handsome, and in real life also successful and wealthy. The plot of the play involved kissing. Since getting married I had never kissed anyone other than my husband. At first it felt weird, but since we were kissing in front of other people, it seemed ok.
I developed a crush on him. He was also married. (I already knew and didn’t care for his wife. I already saw her as not very likable.). During rehearsals there was a lot of “down time” for my character and his together. We began having deep conversations, and during these times I discovered we had many things in common. The performance came and went. Then, after a while, we again got cast as romantic leads in a play. More rehearsal time, more onstage kissing, more deep conversations. Meanwhile, I was spending less time at home, and when I was home, things were busy, so I didn’t really interact much with my husband. Also, I didn’t know how important it was to nurture a relationship, so my husband and I never went out on “date nights” or anything else. My husband and I began spending very little time together, and when we did, it was distracted, not quality time.
Nearing the end of the second play, one night my “leading man” and I both happened to linger after rehearsal. Now, I had developed this huge crush on him, but I didn’t suspect he felt anything towards me. So, it came as a shock when he told me that he was in love with me. I was shocked but thrilled. For the first time, we kissed without an audience. It felt incredibly romantic and delicious, like a fantasy (and in fact, that’s what it really turned out to be, in the end). Although I didn’t know what it was, I was already deep into “affair fog” by that time.
My soon to be affair partner told me he didn’t love his wife. I found this easy to swallow because I already disliked her. He complained to me about her. I felt some type of “loyalty” towards my husband and didn’t complain about him, but I’d already stopped appreciating most of his good qualities, of which there were many.
My Affair Partner said he wanted our “first time”, sexually, to be special, so he arranged a weekend getaway to a romantic spot where he booked the most expensive suite. He told me he had never before cheated on his wife, and he felt bad about it, but that he and I were clearly soulmates, so it just seemed like it had to happen. I completely believed him. Turns out that was (of course) a big fat lies on his part. I made up a “work retreat” that I told my husband I was going to, and went with my Affair Partner. The entire time I was extremely torn. I enjoyed the special treatment and the attention and flattery, but I was so jumpy and tense, I didn’t sleep at all. But still, I was hooked.
After that weekend I was filled with limerence. I would drop everything at the slightest chance to see my lover, even for 10 minutes. I began to quit all my other activities in order to be available at a moment’s notice. I even quit my job! And he love-bombed me, showering me with both expensive and thoughtful gifts.
Later that year, my Affair Partner and I went on a couple of trips together, one to California for two weeks, and one to an exotic country in South America for 3 weeks. My wealthy Affair Partner arranged for very expensive accommodations, and we ate in top restaurants. It was like a fantasy. It WAS a fantasy. I initially lied about who I was with in both cases. I pretended I went on these trips in some spiritual quest to “find myself,” but fairly soon there came a time when I just couldn’t lie anymore.
My husband, friends and family weren’t stupid. They could see there was more to the story. I hated lying. It was eating away at me. So eventually I confessed everything to my husband. He should have kicked me out, but he didn’t. He was very angry at me (understandably) all the time. Unfortunately, I used this anger of his to further distance myself from any good feelings about him. I was evil. Truly, I was. He’s a really good person, and I was horrible. However, I do feel a little bit good about the fact that I came clean and decided to stop lying. I do feel a tiny bit good about having enough of a conscience to tell the truth. Eventually we divorced, but not right away.
Meanwhile, my Affair Partner treated me like a princess when we were together and constantly told me how beautiful and wonderful I was, and how much he loved me. I began to pressure him to leave his wife. To my surprise, he completely refused to even think of it. I began to notice that no matter what romantic things he did for me, he did more for her. If he took me on a trip to an exotic place, he took her somewhere even fancier and more exotic. If he got me a half carat in diamond earrings, he got her a 5 carat ring. I was consumed with jealousy. I know, incredibly stupid and unfair of me.
My Affair Partner still refused to leave his wife. Meanwhile, my marriage had slowly disintegrated. I didn’t want to be there any longer. Things felt uncomfortable at home. I began to get fiercely jealous of my Affair Partner’s wife. I began to hate her and began to be miserable.
Fast forward a couple of years. My Affair Partner eventually got an apartment, which I moved into. He still wouldn’t divorce his wife but stayed over at the apartment often. (Because he traveled for work, he was able to easily do this without arousing suspicion.)
Another year went by. My existence became increasingly dependent on him. I had quit all my activities. My friends and family knew what was going on and were all mad at me. Meanwhile, my Affair Partner had grown tired of me. He showed up less and less. He began getting angry over small things and picking fights. The romance, gifts, trips, and so forth all dried up. Then I discovered something devastating. I discovered it by accident, looking at the computer in the apartment and coming across a gigantic folder of emails and photos. It turned out that I was far from my Affair Partner’s first affair. He had cheated on his wife multiple times before! Not only that, but I discovered he’d been cheating on me! He cheated on me many times, with many, many women, right from the beginning! He had the proverbial “girl in every port”, in fact.
I was crushed, devastated and also furious. In my fury, I trashed the apartment. He came home, saw that, then beat me up and kicked me out.
For a while I was essentially homeless, sleeping in my car or couch surfing. I unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide. Finally, one of my former friends took pity on me and kindly offered to rent me a small room in her house. It was because of her generosity I was able to get back on my feet. I got a job. Eventually I got myself a small, cheap apartment and enrolled in school full-time.
Things improved. I made new friends and repaired some of the old friendships. I became increasingly independent and eventually started to date. This time I was cautious. I definitely had major trust issues. I checked to make certain that anyone I dated was single, for one thing. I also tried to have a good sense of when anyone lied to me and developed an internal good lie detector, or so I thought…
When I met my second husband, I was cautious, but everything about him seemed just right. If there were red flags (and there were) I ignored them. He seemed entirely different from anyone I had ever known before, and I slowly fell head over heels in love with him.
My second husband wasn’t especially affectionate or demonstrative, but he was not quiet and taciturn like my first husband. It’s more like, he was aloof. But he was smart and witty, with a dry humor I found appealing. He said he loved me too. He wasn’t romantic, buut he did want to get married and move in together. I did love him.
In my second marriage there was always an imbalance of power, of affection, but I didn’t completely realize that. My husband received an autism diagnosis, and that seemed to fit. To me, his lack of being demonstrative wasn’t personal towards me, it’s just the way he was.
Eight months ago, I discovered my husband’s 3.5 year physical and emotional affair with one woman, and his 1 year emotional affair with another. I was blindsided by it, because throughout the years I had decided to trust him and had definitely loved him very much. We have been working our way back from that. I’m giving myself a year from D-day to process it all and decide whether or not I want to reconcile.
I hope my description of what happened to me when I was an affair partner helps someone gain at least a little understanding. By the way, for anyone who wants to know, my first husband eventually remarried, and he and his second wife are very happy. Thank goodness…