If you are not seeing your partner shine, stop putting them through that hell – of not being respected, not being appreciated, not being cherished. Your eyes are elsewhere, meanwhile you have a partner at home who has been there for you during your darkest times, they have celebrated with you during your most joyful times, and they have simply been a loving, comforting presence to you throughout the formative years of your adult life.
I know this new person is great. I know he is shiny. He is funny, and charming, and outgoing, and several things your partner is not. He is ambitious and well-liked by tons of people. He sees you. He makes you laugh, and you make him laugh. You two really hit it off. That is true. In another life, you may have been together. The notion that there is “only one” person right enough for you to marry is ridiculous. Of course there are multiple people you could meet throughout your life, fall in love with, marry, and be happy. Unfortunately you may even meet multiple of these people, after you are already married. Maybe you’ll meet him during a “lull” in your marriage (like anything, there will be ups and downs). Maybe he will add something of real value to your life (friendship, laughter, help pursuing a certain hobby of yours, etc).
But your partner is your partner.
Look at him.
Stop thinking of his flaws. Snap out of this bullshit where you think you are somehow better than him. You think he is the only one with flaws? Look in the mirror. He has put up with your shit, with grace, many, many times. You are not perfect. And I know you can’t see it yet, but this other man you have a crush on, he is not perfect either. It’s tempting to tell yourself, “but his flaws are minor compared to my husband’s. His strengths are stronger than my husband’s.” Do you really think that? Because it isn’t true. Unless your husband is actively bad to you (abuse, neglect, etc) you have it made. You have a man who has committed to you, to whom you have committed, who has made darling children with you, who wants a life with you.
And you have simply stopped seeing him “shine.”
You need to find a way for him to shine again. First of all, take responsibility for him being a little down in the dumps lately. You’re his wife yet you’ve been distant. You haven’t been respecting him as much. Your eyes and your mind start to wander when he tells you about his day, because you’re excited to see if you have a new text from this new “friend.” Stop that. This is your fault, too. How is he supposed to shine when you are treating him like shit?
Find something fun he wants to do. Find something he is good at. If he is already doing plenty of things he is good at, GO WATCH HIM DO THOSE THINGS. Look at this man. He is a treasure and he loves you and you are taking it for granted like some spoiled bitch, thinking you are hot stuff now that you have this new friend to whom you are wildly attracted, not just physically but intellectually as well. It sucks. Yeah, it does. You both kinda want each other. But look at what that fucking means. You really want to tear up your family? You really want to stop this story you’ve been writing for years, just scrap it and start a new one? It’s ridiculous.
Stop dwelling on the past.
That is in the past.
The only thing that matters is now. The only thing that matters is your love and commitment to each other. It’s time you recognize what you have been doing to him. Acknowledge the pain you have been inflicting on him, by withholding your full attention. When your eyes are on another man, when your mind is on another man, your husband may not “know” it, but he can feel it. And it fucking sucks, and you know this, because you felt it too a few years ago.
Say goodbye to the notion of you and this new male friend ever being more than friends. Get out of his life and make way for him to find a suitable mate for himself who isn’t, you know, already married. Appreciate him for the little joy he has brought to your life, and tie that chapter up with a neat little bow, and send it off where it belongs.
Your family is real. Do not lose it.
These are the insights I would have liked to have been able to give myself, if I had known what the fuck was going on. I didn’t have the wisdom. I hadn’t learned. I was struggling with feelings for another man, and I honestly did not know which path to choose. I am sure there are plenty of situations in which divorce is the better option; I am not speaking on anyone else’s situation but my own. I only hope that what little I have learned may be helpful to someone else.
I also want to repeat the most helpful advice I ever read, back when I was researching on infidelity, and if I would ever be able to trust my husband again. They said, “you need to change into the kind of person who doesn’t need him.” And so I did. And lo and behold, the independence that I gained, was a key factor in actually fixing our relationship. (Not to imply that a relationship can be “fixed” to the point of never having problems again, but you know what I mean.) The more I prepared for living without him, the better equipped I was to be married to him. Weird.]
Thanks for reading. <3