I’m a “Wayward Wife.” That means I had an affair (in case you’re unfamiliar with the term). My affair was emotional, not physical, but that distinction doesn’t matter. There’s forums, books, subreddits, etc., along with the moral convictions of many who label infidelity as deserving of death and frankly, I don’t disagree.
I’m writing this ‘warning,’ for selfish reasons and with the hope that I can reality-check some people into confession, reconciliation or even better, maybe prevent a potential wayward spouse from acting upon their fantasies and escapism. With that said, my intention is not to imply that I’m an expert or wise on this topic by any means. I am pathetically fallible and still have a lot to learn.
It doesn’t matter what your ‘valid,’ or delusional reasonings are; there are NO excuses or accidents that leads you to cheat whether it’s hurt feelings, suspicions, retaliation, low self esteem, convictions that the love or marriage is over, inebriation, putting yourself in risky situations that can lead to you being vulnerable, tempted or whatever other common reasons you may read about. Deep down you know what you’re doing, you know that it’s wrong, you’re not naive and you know what you and your affair partner are capable of.
Most importantly, whatever consequences you may experience afterwards pales in comparison to the trauma YOU caused for your spouse.
Whether you’re caught or you confess, one of the following will happen:
Your betrayed spouse will justifiably dump your ass.
Or…
2. They will still love you so deeply to attempt forgiveness and reconciliation at the expense of themselves – if you’re humble enough to accept such a gift.
But what does reconciliation look like for the cheater?
You will never be trusted ever again because you’re a liar, trickle truther and manipulator. Your integrity is gone. Everything that comes out your mouth from now on is presumed to be a lie and is up to the judgement of your betrayed spouse to determine if it is or not. You’ve lost all credibility which means that any appeals to prove your sincerity is suspect as it’s reminiscent of your defensiveness in your attempts to hide your affair. No matter what you say, do, believe or feel – the interpretation and perceptions of your betrayed spouse now precedes your own and above all else.
– You will come to understand how raw love can be. Pain, rage, grief and devastation are just a few of what you will unleash from Pandora’s box of infidelity. Even if it was never an issue before, you both may experience shouting, name calling, sexual aggression or degradation disguised by terms like “hysterical bonding,” physical fighting and even suicide attempts. Everything negative about you, every fuck up you’ve ever made throughout the years of your marriage will be stripped down naked and exposed for lashing. Everything good and pure that your spouse had thought/felt about you and themselves will bleed out from their open wounds until only an empty vessel remains.
– Be prepared for your own gaslighting techniques to be turned onto you or for you to trick yourself into believing that is happening as a subconscious self defense mechanism. After all, it’s the only way to empathize with the effects your actions have caused, with how you made your betrayed spouse feel or to justify and downplay your own guilt.
– You relinquish your right to privacy indefinitely. To prove your remorse and to accept the consequences of your actions, your spouse must be given uninhibited access to all of your online/3D activities including private conversations or get togethers with friends and family. You may have to end certain friendships to accommodate for any suspicions or bad feelings your betrayed spouse may feel about them, even if they’re unrelated to your infidelity. This may extend from your phone or computer activities to include tracking your physical location and face-to-face interactions as well. It’s wise to plan daily itineraries and to immediately report any unplanned deviations so that if you’re confronted with unintended triggers, you can explain with full transparency along with tools that offers your spouse verification. You might fight this “invasion of privacy,” with a myriad of excuses which will only make you more distrustful and guilty. Even full disclosure may not be helpful. Deep down, your spouse hates that they feel the need to police you. They resent you for their intrusive thoughts, distrust and paranoia.
– The trauma that you have caused is not always logical, can be chaotic and unpredictable – but it’s far worse for your betrayed spouse than it is for you.
– You may lose touch with your family out of embarrassment and in shame of them knowing what you did but this is on you, not your betrayed spouse.
– You may become the blame and the brunt of anything negative, stressful, unplanned or upsetting that occurs in your spouses’ life, even if you didn’t influence it or have a hand in it. Your betrayal made them lose their confidence, trust and coping mechanisms because of all the things in their life they once felt they did right, were successful in and were supported by was you and your marriage – until you destroyed that for them. The only thing they’re now certain of is that you are a cheater, a liar and the cause of all their pain, insecurities, confusion, simultaneous love and hatred for you.
– You will lose your sense of self. You will writhe from the guilt and shame as it eats you alive. You will question and doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself. You will also come to realizations of things you should have addressed long ago but is now too late. Your own traumas, struggles, concerns, insecurities, worries, upsets, etc., are now invalid, insignificant or put on a years long back burner. Your priorities are to help your spouse heal, to put their needs first and to hopefully rebuild their sense of worth, love and security with you and within your marriage. You will struggle to know how to do this. You will fail many, many times because of your ego and it may take you a long time to realize this, if you do.
– You will eventually be repulsed by your affair partner. You’ll discover that your infatuation and attraction was an illusion, a fantasy and a lie. You’ll not only have to contend with your stupidity and delusions, but also with the epiphany that you’re a bad person who did something so heinous that your spouse, who you love, now wants to die. This marrs your souls.
– Your marriage will forever be tainted by memories of your affair partner and your infidelity. Things you never noticed at the time will suddenly become jarring and triggering for both you and your spouse, serving as constant reminders of their pain and your evil. Things that will never fully fade away with time or new memories such as songs, dates, phrases, clothing, scents, places, foods, movies, hobbies, etc. You will at times be confronted with the choice of giving up something you love in order to prevent hurting your betrayed spouse further.
– Your marriage, as you always knew it, is dead. If you’re lucky enough to be given the gift of reconciliation, you’ll be starting over not as the attractive and interesting mate you once were to them but rather, as an obligatory arranged marriage with a complete stranger who has a bad reputation.
– Your remorse, intentions, efforts, love and everything else you put forth to make amends, accept punishment and responsibility in reconciliation may not be enough. Especially if you fall into depression over your destructive behaviors and their consequences, allowing it to poison you into a shocked and paralyzed state. Your betrayed spouse can leave you at any time because the trauma you’ve inflicted upon them lingers as long as they remain married to you.