I find it ironic that many Cheaters began affairs because of the ego boost, the desire, the self esteem from having someone blow smoke up their ass by telling them how great and wonderful they are. I can understand how that feels good and how people can become entranced by that. Everyone wants to be desired, appreciated, respected, loved, etc.
But, the thing they were looking for in the affair (ego/self esteem boost) is now the one thing that many betrayed (including me) will never be able to give fully again. I can’t tell my Wayward Husband how he is such a good man and I’m lucky to have him (things his Affair Partner told him). I can’t tell him I respect him and love him with all my heart. I can’t brag about our marriage, I can’t look at pictures of us and think “I’ve got everything I ever wanted.”
The things he needs for his ego are things I can’t give him because I don’t believe them. I can respect his efforts to improve, I can express my appreciation for certain things, I can be somewhat content with our lives now, I can enjoy our family as a whole. But the damage is too deep for me to look at him and think “I’m such a lucky girl. He is a great man. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a spouse.”
Sometimes I think it isn’t fair to either one of us to continue. He can’t meet my needs (trust, security, and respect). I will never fully trust or respect him again. I know some people can but the best I can do is 90%. And I can’t meet his need to feel adored and respected.
And it’s so ironic because I absolutely adored him pre-affair. I knew he wasn’t perfect -FAR from it – but I accepted those things (just as I hoped he accepted my many faults) because the ONE thing I always counted on was he was a man of integrity. I can put up with a ton of minor bullshit as long as my man has integrity and treats me with respect. I adored him because I thought he was one of the few men left on the planet that had integrity and would never betray or disrespect his wife.
Does anyone else relate to this?