You ALWAYS tell the Betrayed Spouse

The following is what I sent the betrayed husband of my ex-fiancé’s AP after finding him and reaching out on Instagram. I changed the names of everyone except the AP, because she doesn’t deserve it.

The only thing I regret is that I didn’t tell him sooner. It brought me an overwhelming sense of relief and it wasn’t until after this point that I was able to begin forgiving myself for what wasn’t my fault.

The OBS reached out via text to thank me for FINALLY letting him know but we did not communicate after that. He only sent one message to my WP that was just an FU, and then reported him to HR to which WP faced no consequences and later got a promotion.

I gave my WP the ultimatum that HE needed to tell his AP’s husband. He failed and I sent the following letter instead. Somehow we’re still together and I’m just reflecting on all my regrets.

OBS,

Your wife and the father of my children had an emotional and physical affair between October 2018 and February 2019. They were in communication until at least September 2019.

If you already know this information, then I’m sorry to bother you. If not, then know I’m not expecting you to believe a random letter from a stranger, so I’ve included my contact information in your DM’s. If you already knew, and didn’t tell me, I understand why. We should be strangers and I have been afraid, fiercely protecting my two children from my ex-fiance’s actions. Our children will always suffer some consequence of their parents’ bad decisions.

If you didn’t already know, then I am truly sorry for the pain this message brings you. You deserve to know the truth, but you should have heard it from a remorseful wife. It was not my responsibility and I understand the inherent cruelty in asking you to share this burden of knowing. I was six months pregnant when I discovered the affair and over the past year, I have struggled intensely with if I should even tell you at all.

Knowing the truth is not as painful as discovering or living a lie. I have not told you sooner because my intentions are not based in revenge; or at least I have examined my motives at length and I come to the same conclusion every time. I am simply tired of it all, tired of living in fear and weary of keeping their secret. I feel complicit in their lies. Maybe by debating and waiting a year, I am. My integrity has been telling me this is the right thing to do, and my intuition agrees I should have done it much sooner, knowing full well you may already know or choose not to believe me. We have so much to lose. Living with a cheater is damaging to the soul and the regret is overwhelming.

I have focused on my spouse’s accountability. I know who is responsible for wrecking my home, and it is not your wife. She is your responsibility. I hold minimal blame or anger toward her. I met her multiple times while WP and her worked together at (location) and (location) T-mobile, as well as during the multiple T-mobile events throughout 2018. We were friendly to each other in the way spouses of coworkers usually are. She has met my daughter. He has met your son.

I admit that I have watched your social media and Tara’s for any inkling that you knew already, that she might have actually come clean and told you out of guilt. I’ve used social media to call WP out on his lies and gain insight into specific dates and events that I know I was lied to. I am hopeful that Tara values you more than WP valued me, and tells you the truth in entirety, and she feels true remorse for what she’s done to you and your son.

I was 6-months pregnant (with a baby we planned for and very much wanted) when I discovered the affair in March 2019. I trusted my future husband. I trusted him as the father of my children. Six months before they met to have sex in a cheap hotel room (Towneplace Suites, location), WP and I were trying to conceive our second child and happily celebrating our 8-year dating anniversary in a hotel room in NYC, after a rather rough year prior.

On March 14, 2019, I found her handmade birthday (“to the sexiest 32 year old”) and Valentines Day (” I love you and I can’t wait until the day I can shout it to the world”) cards in his work backpack, buried beneath work things and his laptop. I kicked him out that day and he lived elsewhere for the last three months of my pregnancy.

Three days before I was due to give birth in June, I found out a piece of a receipt, again in his backpack, and recognized it as a hotel checkout from February, on a date that I knew he had told me he was with (specific friend) because I checked my text message history. I had some suspicions due to changed behaviors and phone usage. I had found a condom in his car the day after Valentine’s day and confronted him as proof of infidelity (we hadn’t used condoms in over a year) but he is an excellent gaslighter and I foolishly believed him. I checked his wallet after Valentine’s day, and I found a receipt for everything he bought from Bed Bath and Beyond – including a $40 teak bath caddy that I certainly never received. He later admitted to gifting to her along with flowers. I kept looking for more proof of the extent of his lies, and on June 14th, I found the hotel receipt. This receipt was for the first time (supposedly) they had sex in a hotel room on the evening of Feb 7th.

He had carefully maintained since I’d found the cards that they had only ever gone as far as fingering and making out in her car (due to the tinted windows) whenever they could meet up. Then it was “one time” in January when he had gone to your apartment off of Belleau Wood (while I was at work) and they “only” got naked together on the couch after drinking wine and watching “Broad City”. When confronted with the receipt, he finally came clean to having sex with her twice in the two hours they were at the hotel before he went to a friends house and she went home. It took three more months for him to come clean about FaceTiming her in the shower so she could show off her shaved ***** and they could mutually masturbate. Six more months for him to admit to the blowjobs and hand jobs she gave him. He swears that she said “I love you” three times before getting angry when he didn’t reciprocate, and so he broke it off with her. But there’s always more.

WP and I have been “reconciling” since the birth of our son, but I gave him an ultimatum in January – broke it off entirely and asked for separation. I demanded phone records from T-Mobile, that he had locked me out of the day I discovered the affair. I asked for the truth. A week later, he gave me everything. This is also when he admitted that she continued to call and text WP long after he supposedly ended it with her at the end of February. He told me he had blocked her number following their breakup – but this too was a lie – he would unblock it while he was at work.

She called and texted until at least September 2019 – desperate for him to leave me and choose her. She said you were abusive, she threatened to kill herself, threatened to tell me, threatened to tell you. She told WP at one point that she wished her son had never been born, so they could be together. I have to ask myself what kind of mother wishes her son out of existence and then tries to rip another man away from his children for her own selfish gain. When I wonder how WP responded to any of these dramatic displays of desperation, I realize I couldn’t possibly care less.

Every time I look at my infant son, I am reminded that my fiancé and your wife, not only cheated on each of us, but they also betrayed their children. This is where I hold your wife accountable as a mother. Tara knew of my pregnancy. I am a firm believer in women supporting other women, and I would have run screaming from any man that I knew had a pregnant fiancée at home. They both have no respect for marriage, each other, or themselves.

My intuition told me this affair was going on, from the very beginning. When you’ve been with someone for 9 years, your subconscious notices what you unconsciously deny. I just couldn’t prove it until I found the cards last March. WP’s phone was always locked and turned away. I had no access to phone records through T-Mobile until a few weeks ago.. Everything I’ve found out since is due to my own investigation, and what he now openly admits to, utterly drowning in his own shame and remorse.

Maybe she has already told you about me in some other way – like I’m the crazy paranoid girlfriend of an old coworker that likes to spread lies – it’s typical speak for a cheater and I’ve done myself no favors in authenticity by waiting a year. Frankly, I don’t need you to believe me, I just want the truth out so I don’t feel like I’m robbing you of informed consent by staying silent.

He too promised me that he would tell you if your wife didn’t. Another lie, or at best a truth unrealized after a year. Quite frankly, it’s not my responsibility nor obligation to come clean to you. 

But we cannot count on the ones we love to do the right thing. 

I’m so sorry.