There’s a doctor named Don-David Lusterman who had done a lot of research on infidelity and has a list of questions which should be asked:
Did you plan to have an affair?
Did you plan to leave your marriage before the affair?
Did you plan to leave your marriage once the affair began?
What could your former spouse have done differently to affect a different outcome?
Did influential people in your life confront you about your affair and ask you to stop?
If yes, how did that affect your decision to continue with the affair?
Do you believe people looking at you from outside, during the affair, knew what was really going on in your head and your heart at that time?
Do you believe people looking at your life now understand the impact the affair had on you?
If no, what don’t they know?
If you could send one message to your former spouse or to the world about the reality of an affair, what would it be?
How did your relationship get started?
How long did it last?
How did it end?
Would you do it again?
Did he say he had never done this before?
Did you believe him?
Was it true?
Did he have any kids or would it have mattered if he did?
How old were his kids?
Did he say he was just staying married “for the kids”?
Did you know his wife already”
Did you get to know her?
If you didn’t already know his wife, did you ever contact her for any reason? If so, please elaborate completely. What happened?
I would like to know why you made the choice to contact his wife and whether you still feel it was the right choice.
Did he spend a lot of money on you? Give examples.
Did he support you?
Pay your rent?
(Obviously this is a relative question.) What did he promise you?
Did you want to marry him or just continue the affair?
Did you press him to get divorced?
Are you still in contact with him?
Did you have a child with him or an abortion?
Did you date other people while you were having the affair?
What advice would you give someone who is considering an affair?
What advice would you give a wife whose husband is having an affair?
Why do you think men have affairs?
What was missing in his marriage that you provided?
Did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing?
Where did you meet to have the affair?
How often did you meet?
Did you meet regularly or randomly?
Did you tell your friends and relatives?
Who did you tell?
What was their reaction?
What did you learn from this experience?