Please feel free to add to this list!
1, It’s not your fault, you didn’t cause it, and you couldn’t stop it. As long as your Wayward Spouse blames you, then reconciliation is off the table. There is no point in working with them if they don’t accept full responsibility
2. Your partner is mentally unwell, and this behavior was already in them when you met—waiting to be triggered.
3. You are not a fool for falling in love with them, they are a fool for not appreciating the gift of love.
4. The cheating had nothing to do with the state of your relationship. Any relationship problems are a co-morbidity, not a cause. I can show you 100 examples of relationships that have WAY bigger problems, where no one cheats.
5. You are going to suffer from betrayal trauma and PTSD. If there was lying, gaslighting, verbal abuse, or substance abuse. You get the gift of Betrayal PTSD. Learn about it and get yourself some help.
6. If you are married, take off your rings and hand them back to your partner. They broke the marriage, if they truly want to keep the marriage, the first step toward you even considering putting the ring on again is TOTAL DISCLOSURE.
7. If your partner is still blaming you, getting defensive, angry when you ask for details, they are not safe.
8. Don’t do the hysterical bonding or pick-me dance, if your partner is a sex addict this is like handing them more drugs.
9. Beware of bad therapists and therapists who are easily charmed by your partner. They will cause you more trauma and injury.
10. Infidelity is not falling in love with them, or out of love with you—it is a way to run away from a broken version of self. Blaming love/ loss of love is a way your spouse will try to deny looking at whatever part of themselves they loathe and won’t confront.
11. You may know immediately that this relationship is over, and that is okay. You may want to wait/see/give recovery a try. Remember that in early relationship recovery—your choice not to leave (right now) is not the same as choosing to stay (forever). Make sure your Wayward partner understands that too. You can change your mind if you feel you cannot regain a sense of safety, trust or love has disappeared completely.
12. If you choose to end reconciliation at any point, the failure is not yours. It started with their betrayal.
13. If you are a woman betrayed, this is a good resource: https://bloomforwomen.com/
14. If you were blindsided by this betrayal, stay away from recovery models based on AA, and the codependency model—they will further traumatize you. find some Betrayal Trauma therapy: https://helpingcouplesheal.com/