This past Monday was the first time a suicidal thought entered my mind. I had dropped off my kids in the morning at my ex-wife’s house and was back home working when I received a call. Seems like word is getting around that we’re divorced, but it’s more than that. It’s the narrative behind the divorce. The one-sided narrative that doesn’t address the fact that my wife had an affair. An 18+ month affair of which the details I think about each day.
The person leaving is able to create the narrative, and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been a little depressed with losing. With the divorce I lost:
– The love of my life.
– 50% of the time with my kids
– 11+ years of every dollar we saved with the divorce settlement
Just when I think I can’t lose any more and hit rock bottom, I learn that I’m starting to lose my reputation.
For a little bit of historical context, December is a difficult month for me because December is the time my wife crossed the line with her affair. My wife and her affair partner initially connected in December 2018, but it was the following December (19’) where she crossed the line. Last December she went out to Rochester, NY where her affair partner picked her up from the airport. When they arrived at his house he asked, “Are you ready to compartmentalize because I’d like to be intimate with you…”
This entire trip was planned on both sides with my wife purchasing new underwear, presents for him, etc. while he dyed his hair, planned the restaurants they would eat at, choreographed the sex, etc.
From December 12 – 16th, my wife had multiple sexual relations each day with affair partner. I know this because she wrote all of it down in her journal. She had an entry called, “The Trip,” which detailed her entire visit. I know who she talked with on her flight out, the hand holding with the affair partner, the restaurants they ate at, the meals they ordered, the sex, their nightly “routine” with water cups and Skittles, etc. I had discovered the affair in August, but it wasn’t until late September that I read this journal and learned the details.
In addition to that trip, over Christmas break last December we took a family trip back to my wife’s home to see her family for the holidays. During that visit, my wife’s sister, MY sister-in-law, who had known about my wife’s affair, introduced her to “Shaun.” This would make it two different men my wife cheated on me with in December 2019. I have all the details of her first affair, but little about Shaun outside of, “he distracted me for a bit, but wasn’t enough…”
I’m telling you this to bring you back to the present. This past Monday, with me learning about my reputation declining, it just hit me hard. How much more can I lose? What did I do to deserve all of this?
What my wife did having an affair effects every part of my self-worth, and it will for a long time. It’s shook me to my core in a way that I never thought possible. I have a great career, a family, etc., but none of that mattered when I learned of my wife’s affair and read the details of her trip to Rochester last December. I feel worthless. That person that I was died the day I read her journal and will never come back.
My mind then drifted to the number of times my wife would tell me, “All you bring to the table is a paycheck…” She mentioned this so often that it’s left a permanent scar, and then I started to think about these lists she would write. These lists would be traits for her affair partner. My wife wrote things like “wardrobe, home sense, non-veg, attractive, funny, fun, strong sex-drive, grill-master, etc.”
You have no idea how much this upset me when I read her entire list, and to just know how little she thought of me. All of these thoughts start to spiral, and I think more and more about how, after 13 years of marriage, this is how little my wife thinks or me and my contributions? The love of my life has no respect for me. She wrote this, over and over again in her journal in different entries over multiple months, and then I think, maybe she’s right.
I have no idea how to co parent when my ex-wife that things so little of me. Then I thought, maybe I don’t have to. Maybe it’s just easier for everyone if I’m not around. I had this thought for a moment, but a moment is enough. I quickly remembered that, if I’m not around, my wife will move back to the East Coast (or to her affair partner in Rochester, NY) and take the kids back to her parents and sister. That same sister that knew of the affair and introduced my ex to another man over Christmas break. To my mother-in-law who, in the summer of 2018, set up a lunch for my wife and a married man at IHOP. That lunch seemed innocent at the time, and I remember my wife was upset about when she was back home, but now I’m starting to think, maybe she knew something I didn’t.
It was only a moment that I knew that I can’t leave my kids.
Kids, I will not leave you behind and be replaced by your mom’s affair partner, a man who encouraged your mom to get a divorce because “it would make things easier.” I will not leave you to your mom’s friends who encouraged her to cheat and “Take the journey and see where it takes you.”
I promise you both that I will continue to get better and that I will never leave your side. I promise you that I’ll never let anyone hurt you the way your mom hurt and abuse me since the start of her affair.
For those that struggle and can’t find that motivation and are in that dark place, don’t hesitate to reach out. Regardless of how dark it may seem; you are not alone.
National Suicide Prevention Line.
1-800-273-8255